In a speech marking the celebration of Oil Rig Day in Houston this morning, President Bush took the offensive against his political enemies as well as the scientific community by declaring "all out war on global cooling". "Everyone knows heat rises." the President declared, demonstrating a deeper grasp of science than pundits had given him credit for. "Which is why it's so cold down at the South Pole. We can't let that happen here," he added. "By anticipating Ice Age trends 35,000 years from now, the President is demonstrating the long range thinking that nobody else understands," said Harriet Miers, White House choice for the newly proposed Cabinet level Department of Global Cooling. "Liberals and scientists are too concerned over global warming, but that was yesterdays news," continued Miers. "The President is convinced global warming is a scientific myth that has come and gone." Conservatives, who had earlier challenged the nomination of Miers to the Supreme Court, hailed her selection as Secretary of Cooling. "Here is a woman who understands the global cooling crisis as well as the President himself," declared Karl Rove. "It's January for Gods sake. Everybody's feeling the cold!" While climatologists, oceanographers, geophysicists, atmospheric chemists and graduate students dismissed the White House claims of global cooling as having "not even a remote basis in fact," Republican leaders embraced the Presidents call for action against global cooling. Senator Bill Frist endorsed the Presidents plan and promised quick action in the Senate. "Global cooling is the 800 pound snowman in the closet. Nobody talks about this, but we're aggressively going after him, before we don't know what we're up against." In a related development, conservative Evangelist Pat Robertson called for CIA field operatives to begin covert assassinations of "any Nobel Prize winner scientist who publicly challenges White House temperature doctrine or conducts unauthorized experiments." He was especially incensed by "this years batch," most of whom he noted "are beholden to those do-good universities with high price laboratories and fancy instruments." He expressed particular dislike for physicists and biologists, but was less aggressive toward chemists. "I don't know what they do," he pointed out. "But I'm sure they're wrong too." While distancing himself from Rev. Robertson's remarks, the President warned terrorists, skeptics, liberals, scientists and foreigners not to doubt American's resolve on combating global cooling trends. "There are two sides to every story," the President insisted. "Everyone who lives in a house with one of those things on the wall knows you turn it one way for warm and the other way for cool. Left is up and right is the other way... I'm just....I'm just saying there's uncertainty here." To combat uncertainty on the issue, the President called for greater use of fossil fuels, tax incentives for investors, higher corporate profits, wider logging roads, the dismantling of social security, the recapture of Elian Gonzalez and the invasion of Iceland. "If the Congress acts on these administration proposals before we run out of uncertainty, " the President promised, "Americans will never have to worry about global cooling while I'm in office."